You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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