Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
