I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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