it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
