I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
