Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
