I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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