i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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