I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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