So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
