I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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