How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
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I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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