She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
