i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
