I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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