just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
