when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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