I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
