I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
