The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
PANTIES FOUND
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