Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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