I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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