I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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