If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
