i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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