hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I just sharted jello shots
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