respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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