dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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