is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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