she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
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I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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