I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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