i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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