Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
