I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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