apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
