am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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