I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
