we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
