If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
