I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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