i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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