Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
