I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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