I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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