Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
