Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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