Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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