I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
