i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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