Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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