To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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