im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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