I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize