Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Mom said you looked used
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
