ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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