oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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